So about 20 minutes ago my legalness began.
Today is my birthday.
And, as i'm responding to the already many fb birthday wishes, i can't help but wonder if you will mssg me today.
I don't know why you would but i've been thinking about you lately and wondering if you have been thinking about me too.
This time last year was the beginning and honestly i'm glad it's over.
18 was the year of hell and i just want to forget it and move on.
Hopefully 19 will be the best year of my life.
But still why do i want you to mssg me?
I know you won't, you don't have the balls, but still part of me is hoping.
Even if you did mssg me i wouldn't know that it was you, any of you.
My life is better without you all.
I guess part of me likes to believe that YOU can't live without me because i was the good friend, not the other way around.
So i hope that on this day you are at least thinking of me and the good times and what we had last year at this time.
Maybe it will make you realize what you lost.
Maybe that's why i want you to mssg me so i can respond with...
"HAHAHAHA FUCK YOU!"
I look forward to responding to your mssg if you actually send it.
If not, oh well.
Clearly you still haven't realized what you lost.
But one day when you really need me you will realize that i'm gone.
No longer will i run to you no matter what time it is.
No longer will i stay up to all hours planning something for you.
The year of 18 changed me, i am no longer the same Manda you knew.
Goodbye to you all
The year of 19 will not be the same, i am me without you and with new people.
With a new year comes new dreams, hopes and a new me.
Hello new day
Hello new world
Hello new (legal) me!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
You're a dick
You are a dick!
I really dislike you!
Learn some manners!
and how to be a friend!
You used me more then once!
You went back on your word!
You are more than childish!
You're a pig!
Go away!
I won't miss you but you WILL miss me!
Goodbye asshole
I really dislike you!
Learn some manners!
and how to be a friend!
You used me more then once!
You went back on your word!
You are more than childish!
You're a pig!
Go away!
I won't miss you but you WILL miss me!
Goodbye asshole
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
choices...choices...choices
I'm currently facing a dilemma,
quite an unusual one that i've never faced before,
and honestly never thought i would face.
It's honestly a good dilemma though,
it's not one you can complain about,
so i'm not.
But it's a confusing one.
For the first time in my life i'm put in a position to choose,
choose between two boys.
It's quite complicated how i got here.
There was one boy for a long while, but never serious.
We always said no relationship.
Then feelings formed.
The feelings had to have been killed,
so on his orders i killed them and moved on.
Two days ago he tells me,
feelings formed...for him.
I should have been happy,
I should have been wanting to take him up on his offer right away.
But i wasn't and i couldn't
There is someone else.
Now this someone else is fairly new.
We've been talking and flirting a lot.
It could be something promising if it turns out the feelings are mutual.
Or it could just turn into a great friendship.
Either way i want to see what this becomes.
Before i accept the other boy's offer.
But what happens if when i'm ready to accept, he is not?
We will be back where we started.
And i feel as though me turning him down will break his heart.
But he broke mine first,
does that make it ok?
And he says this other boy will turn into a douche.
I'm too afraid to tell him that the other boy is the nicest boy i've ever know,
and i want nice.
I need nice.
But i can't force myself to have feelings again.
Especially when my feelings are for someone else.
Then the relationship will fail right away.
I don't even think the relationship could work with this one,
we aren't compatible,
we are too different.
It sucks,
He's cute
talented
a great guy.
My only issue is he can be a douche at times and doesn't think with the right "head"
Which makes me beyond angry.
which is why we wouldn't be able to work.
But this other boy.
He would never hurt anyone.
He's on the verge of too nice.
It's wonderful.
And he too is very cute.
Tall, dark and handsome.
My dream type.
However, i don't know what this is.
I'm hoping it turns into something.
I could see it working.
Who knows?
I just need time.
Time will only tell how things work out and how my heart feels.
I just hope that by the time i'm ready to choose it's not too late.
Or that i don't make the wrong choice.
oh the choices we make in life,
why must the be so complicated?
quite an unusual one that i've never faced before,
and honestly never thought i would face.
It's honestly a good dilemma though,
it's not one you can complain about,
so i'm not.
But it's a confusing one.
For the first time in my life i'm put in a position to choose,
choose between two boys.
It's quite complicated how i got here.
There was one boy for a long while, but never serious.
We always said no relationship.
Then feelings formed.
The feelings had to have been killed,
so on his orders i killed them and moved on.
Two days ago he tells me,
feelings formed...for him.
I should have been happy,
I should have been wanting to take him up on his offer right away.
But i wasn't and i couldn't
There is someone else.
Now this someone else is fairly new.
We've been talking and flirting a lot.
It could be something promising if it turns out the feelings are mutual.
Or it could just turn into a great friendship.
Either way i want to see what this becomes.
Before i accept the other boy's offer.
But what happens if when i'm ready to accept, he is not?
We will be back where we started.
And i feel as though me turning him down will break his heart.
But he broke mine first,
does that make it ok?
And he says this other boy will turn into a douche.
I'm too afraid to tell him that the other boy is the nicest boy i've ever know,
and i want nice.
I need nice.
But i can't force myself to have feelings again.
Especially when my feelings are for someone else.
Then the relationship will fail right away.
I don't even think the relationship could work with this one,
we aren't compatible,
we are too different.
It sucks,
He's cute
talented
a great guy.
My only issue is he can be a douche at times and doesn't think with the right "head"
Which makes me beyond angry.
which is why we wouldn't be able to work.
But this other boy.
He would never hurt anyone.
He's on the verge of too nice.
It's wonderful.
And he too is very cute.
Tall, dark and handsome.
My dream type.
However, i don't know what this is.
I'm hoping it turns into something.
I could see it working.
Who knows?
I just need time.
Time will only tell how things work out and how my heart feels.
I just hope that by the time i'm ready to choose it's not too late.
Or that i don't make the wrong choice.
oh the choices we make in life,
why must the be so complicated?
Monday, January 25, 2010
Irony
I'm writing a monologue for school.
Its about my reaction to my ex and ex best friend getting together.
I'm gettin my current best friend and current "boy" to star in it.
My best friend has to makeout wit my "boy"
irony?
Its about my reaction to my ex and ex best friend getting together.
I'm gettin my current best friend and current "boy" to star in it.
My best friend has to makeout wit my "boy"
irony?
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Breaking down
I'm sorry that this happened
I never wanted it to.
But it did.
I hate my heart
I hate it for everything it has EVER done to me
I thought 2010 would be different
I thought i learned control
Clearly I was wrong.
I don't even know if i'm worth it anymore
Like really what on earth do i have to offer to anyone?
My confidence is lower than low.
It may not come off that way but it does
And every little hit that i take tears it down even more
There's not much lower it can go
I lie to myself constantly
Hoping that someone will see my pain and want to help me
Someone will think i'm worth it and see beyond the stupid naive girl
Someone will want me for me in my entirety
But my rap sheet isn't great so far.
2009: 11 close friends LOST
The people i spent every day with for anywhere from 8 years to 2 years.
Just dropped me
How can that feel good?
How can anyone get over that pain so easily
I haven't healed from that
I thought maybe i had but i guess not
and the newest loss brings it ALL back
and makes it so much worse
I just don't understand
Please someone help me!
Why do i constantly get myself in these situations?
Why can't i find a good true friend or a good true guy?
Everyone i've known has used and abused me and then thrown me out for trash.
My heart has been clawed out of my chest, ripped to pieces, put back in, torn back out, ran over by a car, eaten by a dog, put through a shredder, then put back in again.
Can you blame me for over reacting?
I try and just let go, move on
it doesn't work, i wish my brain worked like that.
But it doesn't so i'm sorry for the way i act but that's me and it won't change.
I've been through so much shit that i can't trust that you'll continue to be a good friend
Why would you?
No one has before.
This is my life
and i hate it.
I never wanted it to.
But it did.
I hate my heart
I hate it for everything it has EVER done to me
I thought 2010 would be different
I thought i learned control
Clearly I was wrong.
I don't even know if i'm worth it anymore
Like really what on earth do i have to offer to anyone?
My confidence is lower than low.
It may not come off that way but it does
And every little hit that i take tears it down even more
There's not much lower it can go
I lie to myself constantly
Hoping that someone will see my pain and want to help me
Someone will think i'm worth it and see beyond the stupid naive girl
Someone will want me for me in my entirety
But my rap sheet isn't great so far.
2009: 11 close friends LOST
The people i spent every day with for anywhere from 8 years to 2 years.
Just dropped me
How can that feel good?
How can anyone get over that pain so easily
I haven't healed from that
I thought maybe i had but i guess not
and the newest loss brings it ALL back
and makes it so much worse
I just don't understand
Please someone help me!
Why do i constantly get myself in these situations?
Why can't i find a good true friend or a good true guy?
Everyone i've known has used and abused me and then thrown me out for trash.
My heart has been clawed out of my chest, ripped to pieces, put back in, torn back out, ran over by a car, eaten by a dog, put through a shredder, then put back in again.
Can you blame me for over reacting?
I try and just let go, move on
it doesn't work, i wish my brain worked like that.
But it doesn't so i'm sorry for the way i act but that's me and it won't change.
I've been through so much shit that i can't trust that you'll continue to be a good friend
Why would you?
No one has before.
This is my life
and i hate it.
Teenage Fuck up
Oh please one more person tell me that i've fucked up
I've ruined everything apparently
Relationships
non-relationships
friendships
I can't do anything right
It's always my fault
I'm childish
and Close minded
I don't know anything
I can't control my own heart
I'll die alone
No friends
No relationships
What's the point then?
I've ruined everything apparently
Relationships
non-relationships
friendships
I can't do anything right
It's always my fault
I'm childish
and Close minded
I don't know anything
I can't control my own heart
I'll die alone
No friends
No relationships
What's the point then?
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Please? Before I Fall
Please, give me a reason to stop.
This is nonsense.
I don't want this, nor can it occur.
Therefore you must do something to prevent this.
Say something.
Do something.
Please I'm begging you.
Don't let this happen.
I can't do that again.
Not yet.
The pain is unbearable,
and I'm not yet healed from my previous encounter.
I cannot allow myself to fall down the same path.
It will be the same, will it not?
Please say it won't.
Not with you.
Surely you couldn't hurt me.
Surely if you said those words you'd mean them.
But you never will.
I can't even get my hopes up.
I know your thoughts.
But there is always....
No, it can't happen.
It won't
So please before I go insane,
before i fall,
catch me
or better yet push me back up.
It's your choice but dear God i hope you make a decision soon.
The gnawing and tearing at my heart is killing me.
Please?
This is nonsense.
I don't want this, nor can it occur.
Therefore you must do something to prevent this.
Say something.
Do something.
Please I'm begging you.
Don't let this happen.
I can't do that again.
Not yet.
The pain is unbearable,
and I'm not yet healed from my previous encounter.
I cannot allow myself to fall down the same path.
It will be the same, will it not?
Please say it won't.
Not with you.
Surely you couldn't hurt me.
Surely if you said those words you'd mean them.
But you never will.
I can't even get my hopes up.
I know your thoughts.
But there is always....
No, it can't happen.
It won't
So please before I go insane,
before i fall,
catch me
or better yet push me back up.
It's your choice but dear God i hope you make a decision soon.
The gnawing and tearing at my heart is killing me.
Please?
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