Irony

I'm writing a monologue for school.
Its about my reaction to my ex and ex best friend getting together.
I'm gettin my current best friend and current "boy" to star in it.
My best friend has to makeout wit my "boy"
irony?

Breaking down

I'm sorry that this happened
I never wanted it to.
But it did.
I hate my heart
I hate it for everything it has EVER done to me
I thought 2010 would be different
I thought i learned control
Clearly I was wrong.
I don't even know if i'm worth it anymore
Like really what on earth do i have to offer to anyone?
My confidence is lower than low.
It may not come off that way but it does
And every little hit that i take tears it down even more
There's not much lower it can go
I lie to myself constantly
Hoping that someone will see my pain and want to help me
Someone will think i'm worth it and see beyond the stupid naive girl
Someone will want me for me in my entirety
But my rap sheet isn't great so far.
2009: 11 close friends LOST
The people i spent every day with for anywhere from 8 years to 2 years.
Just dropped me
How can that feel good?
How can anyone get over that pain so easily
I haven't healed from that
I thought maybe i had but i guess not
and the newest loss brings it ALL back
and makes it so much worse
I just don't understand
Please someone help me!
Why do i constantly get myself in these situations?
Why can't i find a good true friend or a good true guy?
Everyone i've known has used and abused me and then thrown me out for trash.
My heart has been clawed out of my chest, ripped to pieces, put back in, torn back out, ran over by a car, eaten by a dog, put through a shredder, then put back in again.
Can you blame me for over reacting?
I try and just let go, move on
it doesn't work, i wish my brain worked like that.
But it doesn't so i'm sorry for the way i act but that's me and it won't change.
I've been through so much shit that i can't trust that you'll continue to be a good friend
Why would you?
No one has before.
This is my life
and i hate it.

Teenage Fuck up

Oh please one more person tell me that i've fucked up
I've ruined everything apparently
Relationships
non-relationships
friendships
I can't do anything right
It's always my fault
I'm childish
and Close minded
I don't know anything
I can't control my own heart
I'll die alone
No friends
No relationships
What's the point then?

Please? Before I Fall

Please, give me a reason to stop.
This is nonsense.
I don't want this, nor can it occur.
Therefore you must do something to prevent this.
Say something.
Do something.
Please I'm begging you.
Don't let this happen.
I can't do that again.
Not yet.
The pain is unbearable,
and I'm not yet healed from my previous encounter.
I cannot allow myself to fall down the same path.
It will be the same, will it not?
Please say it won't.
Not with you.
Surely you couldn't hurt me.
Surely if you said those words you'd mean them.
But you never will.
I can't even get my hopes up.
I know your thoughts.
But there is always....
No, it can't happen.
It won't
So please before I go insane,
before i fall,
catch me
or better yet push me back up.
It's your choice but dear God i hope you make a decision soon.
The gnawing and tearing at my heart is killing me.
Please?

I hate being nice

The title says it all.
I've always been nice.
I always say yes
I always do what friends ask
I always help people out when they are in need.
I hate it.
No one ever does shit for me
When i need a favor where are those friends?
The friends i help would never do the same shit for me.
It's ridiculous.
It allows me to get hurt.
It's because I wear my heart on my sleeve and i always have.
The worst feeling is to be in need and to have those who you have helped for years turn you down.
Or worse they are the ones hurting you.
No more being nice.
No more saying yes.
I will be No woman.
"Hey can you...?"
NO!
"How bout if...?"
NO!
"Buuut this...?"
NO! NO! NO!
"PLEASE!?!"
NO! REALLLLLLYYY NO!!!
I fucking hate the word please.
It means shit.
Those 6 words will NOT change my mind
They have made me do shit in the past but no more.
Really wat is the meaning behind them?
its just 6 letters.
Those 6 letter lead to begging.
Nothing pisses me off more than a friend who begs.
Seriously?
Is that all our friendship means to you?
You have to resort to begging me to get what you need, what you want?
Even when I hate it, I"ve made my position clear that this is stupid
You still beg.
Just shut up.
I don't want to hear it.
I'm sorry to be this way but i'm going to start looking out for myself
I'm done caring about others more than me.
Go find someone else to push around and do this ridiculous favor for you.
I'm out.
I'm done
No more miss nice Manda.
You have all called me a bitch.
You don't know bitch, the real bitch will come out
That was a prequel to the ultimate bitch that i CAN be
Thanks for bringing her out.
Oh and she hates you, so enjoy :)

Hello Blog World

So this is my blog.

I like to write but hate posting my writings in other very public formats. Therefore i started this as an outlet. 2009 sucked, to say the least. I'm still getting over things and from time to time i have stuff to say about the past or the present that confuses me, angers me or just plain makes me sad. I won't do like daily blogs or weekly blogs possibly not even monthly. I"ll write as i feel and what i feel about and how i feel like writing it.

Oh blogs, the wonders that can come of them. If you enjoy my writings SWEET if not go away :) no difference to me. This is for me anyways not you, i just want to make this public just to make myself feel better. Starting a journal and hiding my writings away just seems pointless i guess.

Anywho, this is me, raw and real. Hate it or love it it aint changin :)

Love
MsMandaG <3